Don’t be a potty mouth


Just so I’m clear from the get go…..this post is a pep talk.  For me. And anyone else who has ever taken their child to a well visit at the pediatrician’s office.

The scheduled milestone checkups should be called “scheduled panic attacks for everyone involved“. I have never seen my son in such a frenzy as he was this morning. He was basically planking in my arms the entire time while doing the demon scream. Super fun. Here’s a little play-by-play of how it went down…….

Phase 1: Things to be accomplished while holding planking/screaming child:

1. Strip child down to just a diaper for weight, height, & head size measurements (aka wrestle a bag of cats).

2. Try to finish filling out clipboard with approx 927 child development questions while holding planking/screaming child. Questions may include…

“Can your child put more than two words together at a time? If so please give an example of each phrase and a definition of each word from the dictionary while you hold a planking/screaming child.”

3. Answer an additional 532 questions from the nurse about family history, diseases, current medicines, eating habits, vegetable/fruit/milk intake, sleep patterns, potty training (hahaha) & daily activities while holding planking/screaming child.

4. Wrestle child into “straight-jacket” position so the nurse can do a finger-prick and squeeze out blood and the rest of my sanity into a vile for testing.

5. Force child to leave on bandaid that he is convinced is eating his finger off while he continues planking/screaming in your arms.

6. Wipe blood, tears, snot and despair off yours and child’s face while you wait for the doctor to come in……

Phase 2: Doctor enters the room:

Did I mention that I’ve never actually met the real doctor at this office? You know how it goes.  They are always too busy to actually see you, so you end up seeing the Nurse Practitioner or PA or whatever.  Well I was in for a treat this time.

I won’t go into all the details, but let’s just say after a few sentences that went like this…..

“You really should be more consistent.”

“Your son clearly isn’t ready for that yet”

“You need to work on his words more”

“You’re not helping the situation”

……I pretty much felt like a total failure as a parent.  Never mind the fact that this doctor knew nothing about me or my son. Never mind that Maddox didn’t say A WORD while she interrogated both of us because he was terrified. And so was I. In real life Maddox can say his own name at this point so I’m pretty sure we’re “working on his words” enough. It took me a while to work through my thoughts (rage) on this one and I came to a conclusion I think we all need to hear…..

Failure is a dirty word.  Don’t say it to yourself. Don’t say it to others. And don’t accept it when someone tries to convince you that you are a failure. My son is a vibrant, healthy, social, happy kid with a fantastic personality (obv i’m biased) and I AM NOT A FAILURE.

And neither are you.

You’ve got this.


real stories | real life

2 thoughts on “Don’t be a potty mouth

  1. You crack me up! I have no doubt you are an amazing mom & doctors visits are by no means the best scenario for you or your child 🙂 I understand the scenario but on the flip side, but really some of us nurse practitioners are actually pretty great 😳
    I like hearing about you life as a mom!!! 😜

    Liked by 1 person

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