For those of you who have had kids for a while, you know what I’m talking about. You are the veteran. And I’ve called on you many times to remind me that I’m not a crazy person after all. But for those of us who have recently started this journey of parenthood, this post is for you.
5 Things No One Told Me About Becoming a Parent:
1. Car Seat Rage
-Have you ever come back to your car after a trip to the grocery store with your newborn….
…to find that a totally inconsiderate Ford F250 has parked 3 inches away from your car? More specifically on the side where your carseat has to go in? Have you ever tried to squeeze a car seat carrier with a sleeping newborn into a 3 inch space? I’m getting angry just thinking about it. I may or may not have dinged a few car doors on purpose bc I literally didn’t care anymore. Sorry boutcha.
-This is the totally elusive substance that constantly comes out of your child’s nose, And no, you can’t ever really get rid of it. Have you ever tried to suck the snot out of your 5 month old’s nose with a nasal aspirator in the middle of the night when the whole house is asleep? I have. Pretty sure my husband thought I was murdering our child, based on the level of screaming coming from both of us. Fun times guys.
-When Maddox was about 5 days old, he was so sweet and snuggly and sleeping in those precious newborn hats all the time…
…so after we got home from the hospital, in the middle of the night I hear my 5 day old whimpering in a way that suddenly gripped me with fear. Have you ever seen a sleep-deprived, post-partum woman jump out of a bed in a frenzy at 3am? It’s terrifying. And also extremely disorienting I might add. Needless to say I found my son with his precious hat completely covering his entire face and mouth. I then proceeded to shout at my husband who is asleep like a dead person….
“HE ALMOST DIED!!!! HE ALMOST DIED!!! THE HAT WAS OVER HIS FACE AND I DIDN’T KNOW AND I ALMOST KILLED HIM!!!! HE ALMOST DIED!!!!”
Thank God my husband is an even-keeled person and talked me down after 15 minutes of the “ugly cry” at 3am. But even he told me later “Babe, I know that was scary, but maybe next time don’t wake me from a dead sleep screaming ‘HE ALMOST DIED!’. Just don’t lead with that. Ok?”
– The definition of this word officially changes after you have a child. It used to mean you were showered and your clothes were literally washed, dried and pleasant smelling. After baby, cleanliness means whatever you want it to mean (at least in those first few weeks/months). And no amount of public judgment or embarrassment can phase you. Sleep trumps them all. So if you go to the store in the same pair of unwashed shorts you’ve been wearing for 3 weeks straight with dried banana on them because you chose to nap in every spare moment you had…….then so be it.
5. And finally……dignity.
– Just kidding. That’s no longer part of your life. At least not in the privacy of your home. You will make sounds and faces and motions you never thought possible to entertain your child. Sometimes I make this crazy, wheezing, troll sound as I chase my son down the hallway at random moments because it makes him laugh. And that’s all the motivation you need really. You’ll do anything to get baby giggles because it’s worth every minute. But if some unsuspecting person were to wander into my house, I’m sure they would fear for their lives.
All in all, becoming a parent is the most rewarding thing ever. But it def has it’s challenges and HONEST moments. What are your parenting battle scars?
real stories | real life