Please don’t eat out of the trash….

PLEASE

I guess this week’s theme is food related. That’s usually where most of our mishaps happen throughout the week. My son has inherited my “hangry” issues so food takes precedence over everything else a lot of times. I guess he was fairly desperate at one point this week because I shouted…

“Maddox, please don’t eat out of the trash!”…..

….as he pulled a hand full of day-old chicken fried rice directly out of the trashcan and immediately into his mouth before I could stop him. gross. It’s a wonder kids aren’t sick every minute of every day. Speaking of cleanliness, Craig told me the other day that I needed to bathe Maddox as soon as possible because…

“It looks like he has Bubonic Plague under his fingernails.”

…sometimes we exaggerate in our house.

Some other food things that happened this week:

1. Somehow Maddox got ahold of a receipt and was slowly eating pieces of paper in his car seat. Fiber I guess.

2. I kissed Maddox and somehow ended up with half-chewed chicken nugget in my mouth.

3. Craig fed Maddox a bite of chicken fried rice (before it was in the trash) and I guess Maddox ended up with a dreaded vegetable in his mouth and immediately spit the entire bite directly into Craig’s face, all over his lap and onto the couch. I’m thinking we should work on table manners at my house. Or we just need to stop eating chicken fried rice.

4. I discovered there is a large amount of MSG in Cheez-Its……what the what? I’m not uber paranoid about eating 100% clean foods all the time but I’ve been slowly poisoning my child apparently. Do you have any idea how addicted my son is to Cheez-It’s? Now I know why. Pray for me as we detox him soon.

5. Maddox ate a veggie-squeeze pouch and AN ACTUAL GREEN BEAN off of his dinner plate…… and there was much rejoicing.

Now……on a totally non-food related note…..Maddox is a giant these days and I am procrastinating putting him into a big boy bed and losing all sense of control during the night. So if you have any genius bed-transitioning tactics please tell me all your secrets.

Sincerely,

-a first-time mom

real stories | real life

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Paci Prohibition: A week in Hell

So this week we took away the pacifier.  Because apparently we hate ourselves.

You guys…..it’s been a small piece of hell on earth; watching my son devastated to the point of tears every night. Over a piece of plastic.  It’s hard to watch and I have hated every second of it. My emotions have been on level 1000 and apparently major transitions in my toddlers life affect me in very strange ways. Here are a few things I’ve done this week that are a direct result of the “PACI PROHIBITION”…..

1. I cried watching episode 1 of Master Chef. Episode one folks! Nothing has even happened yet. I know nothing about these contestants. One young man went on the show to give back to his mother…

“because she did so much for him and he wants to repay her”.

….I’m crying because the only thing my child will remember about me is that I took away his only comfort.

2. I drank approximately a third of a water bottle before I realized it was full of bbq kettle chip backwash that Maddox had been drinking out of……BECAUSE THAT’S HOW OFF MY “MOM GAME” IS THIS WEEK YOU GUYS. sick. sick. sick.

3. Left a full open water bottle in my cup holder which Maddox immediately spilled directly onto my drivers side seat which didn’t dry for hours and left wet stains on the upholstery and my butt.

4. I have not washed a single dish or piece of clothing because all my energy is going into not repeating numbers 1-3 from above.

5. Maddox has had at least 2 Capri Suns and some form of junk food for almost every single meal this week because I’ve used up all my “NO’s” for the week and it’s only Wednesday. Also pick your battles……also speaking of capri suns – you should be careful because the plastic that covers the straws break into millions of pieces and spread all over your house. You might find a piece in your crack after putting on underwear that was apparently washed along with said plastic pieces. I’m not saying this happened to me….but I’m also not denying it.

DANGER

Anywayyyyyy… I think it’s pretty clear how I’m handling things this week.

Send prayer. And wine.

~Tiff

real stories | real life

5 Things No One Told Me About Becoming a Parent

5 things

For those of you who have had kids for a while, you know what I’m talking about.  You are the veteran.  And I’ve called on you many times to remind me that I’m not a crazy person after all.  But for those of us who have recently started this journey of parenthood, this post is for you.

5 Things No One Told Me About Becoming a Parent:

1.  Car Seat Rage

-Have you ever come back to your car after a trip to the grocery store with your newborn….

basket

…to find that a totally inconsiderate Ford F250 has parked 3 inches away from your car?  More specifically on the side where your carseat has to go in? Have you ever tried to squeeze a car seat carrier with a sleeping newborn into a 3 inch space?  I’m getting angry just thinking about it. I may or may not have dinged a few car doors on purpose bc I literally didn’t care anymore.  Sorry boutcha.

2.  Snot

-This is the totally elusive substance that constantly comes out of your child’s nose,  And no, you can’t ever really get rid of it.  Have you ever tried to suck the snot out of your 5 month old’s nose with a nasal aspirator in the middle of the night when the whole house is asleep? I have.  Pretty sure my husband thought I was murdering our child, based on the level of screaming coming from both of us.  Fun times guys.

3.  Over-Reaction

-When Maddox was about 5 days old, he was so sweet and snuggly and sleeping in those precious newborn hats all the time…

hat

…so after we got home from the hospital, in the middle of the night I hear my 5 day old whimpering in a way that suddenly gripped me with fear.  Have you ever seen a sleep-deprived, post-partum woman jump out of a bed in a frenzy at 3am?  It’s terrifying.  And also extremely disorienting I might add.  Needless to say I found my son with his precious hat completely covering his entire face and mouth.  I then proceeded to shout at my husband who is asleep like a dead person….

“HE ALMOST DIED!!!! HE ALMOST DIED!!!  THE HAT WAS OVER HIS FACE AND I DIDN’T KNOW AND I ALMOST KILLED HIM!!!! HE ALMOST DIED!!!!”

Thank God my husband is an even-keeled person and talked me down after 15 minutes of the “ugly cry” at 3am.  But even he told me later “Babe, I know that was scary, but maybe next time don’t wake me from a dead sleep screaming ‘HE ALMOST DIED!’.  Just don’t lead with that.  Ok?”

4.  Cleanliness

– The definition of this word officially changes after you have a child.  It used to mean you were showered and your clothes were literally washed, dried and pleasant smelling.  After baby, cleanliness means whatever you want it to mean (at least in those first few weeks/months).  And no amount of public judgment or embarrassment can phase you.  Sleep trumps them all.  So if you go to the store in the same pair of unwashed shorts you’ve been wearing for 3 weeks straight with dried banana on them because you chose to nap in every spare moment you had…….then so be it.

5.  And finally……dignity.

– Just kidding.  That’s no longer part of your life.  At least not in the privacy of your home.  You will make sounds and faces and motions you never thought possible to entertain your child.  Sometimes I make this crazy, wheezing, troll sound as I chase my son down the hallway at random moments because it makes him laugh.  And that’s all the motivation you need really.  You’ll do anything to get baby giggles because it’s worth every minute.  But if some unsuspecting person were to wander into my house, I’m sure they would fear for their lives.

All in all, becoming a parent is the most rewarding thing ever.  But it def has it’s challenges and HONEST moments.  What are your parenting battle scars?

-Tiff

real stories | real life

Don’t be a potty mouth

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE FAILING

Just so I’m clear from the get go…..this post is a pep talk.  For me. And anyone else who has ever taken their child to a well visit at the pediatrician’s office.

The scheduled milestone checkups should be called “scheduled panic attacks for everyone involved“. I have never seen my son in such a frenzy as he was this morning. He was basically planking in my arms the entire time while doing the demon scream. Super fun. Here’s a little play-by-play of how it went down…….

Phase 1: Things to be accomplished while holding planking/screaming child:

1. Strip child down to just a diaper for weight, height, & head size measurements (aka wrestle a bag of cats).

2. Try to finish filling out clipboard with approx 927 child development questions while holding planking/screaming child. Questions may include…

“Can your child put more than two words together at a time? If so please give an example of each phrase and a definition of each word from the dictionary while you hold a planking/screaming child.”

3. Answer an additional 532 questions from the nurse about family history, diseases, current medicines, eating habits, vegetable/fruit/milk intake, sleep patterns, potty training (hahaha) & daily activities while holding planking/screaming child.

4. Wrestle child into “straight-jacket” position so the nurse can do a finger-prick and squeeze out blood and the rest of my sanity into a vile for testing.

5. Force child to leave on bandaid that he is convinced is eating his finger off while he continues planking/screaming in your arms.

6. Wipe blood, tears, snot and despair off yours and child’s face while you wait for the doctor to come in……

Phase 2: Doctor enters the room:

Did I mention that I’ve never actually met the real doctor at this office? You know how it goes.  They are always too busy to actually see you, so you end up seeing the Nurse Practitioner or PA or whatever.  Well I was in for a treat this time.

I won’t go into all the details, but let’s just say after a few sentences that went like this…..

“You really should be more consistent.”

“Your son clearly isn’t ready for that yet”

“You need to work on his words more”

“You’re not helping the situation”

……I pretty much felt like a total failure as a parent.  Never mind the fact that this doctor knew nothing about me or my son. Never mind that Maddox didn’t say A WORD while she interrogated both of us because he was terrified. And so was I. In real life Maddox can say his own name at this point so I’m pretty sure we’re “working on his words” enough. It took me a while to work through my thoughts (rage) on this one and I came to a conclusion I think we all need to hear…..

Failure is a dirty word.  Don’t say it to yourself. Don’t say it to others. And don’t accept it when someone tries to convince you that you are a failure. My son is a vibrant, healthy, social, happy kid with a fantastic personality (obv i’m biased) and I AM NOT A FAILURE.

And neither are you.

You’ve got this.

~Tiff

real stories | real life

Today we bought a King bed

It’s been a long time since I lost sleep in the middle of the night.  Like 2am sleep. The sleep that is the most rare and beautiful.  Unicorn sleep.

Basically this………just for your reference…..

unicorn

But it happened last night. I lost several hours of precious unicorn sleep, and it wasn’t because of my 2 year old.

Apparently…….I elbowed Craig in the spine last night at 2am??  Did I mention we have a queen bed? Did I mention that waking Craig in that way was like waking a hibernating bear? Did I mention that I sleep like someone claiming their territory in the pioneer days? Somebody get me a flag!

You guys, it wasn’t pretty.  We aren’t fighters, but if we’re both asleep when something goes down we turn into “sleep-yellers”. That weird voice that you use when your brain isn’t really present but your voice is shouting things that you can’t quite control……it was that. But it gets better…..

Craig got over it pretty quick because he was hibernating better than I was when the incident happened. But I still have mommy sleep brain to the max. Meaning, if I wake up FOR REAL…..then I’m awake for the next hour minimum (because that’s how long a night feeding was when I had a newborn and my body completely re-wired itself for the rest of eternity). Anybody else? mmmmmk.

I saw that unicorn run out of my room at top speed.  We apologized to each other in our “sleep-whisper” voices, but I was truly angry that I was awake. Poor Craig.  He puts up with a lot from me. He got nailed and had to talk me down from my mommy rage at 2am.

Anywayyyyy…..all that to say, after almost 5 years of marriage…..we bought a King bed today.  THIS MORNING IN FACT. It’s funny now, but it wasn’t funny at 2am.

Sometimes the investments you make in your marriage are quality time, apologies and emotional interest.  Other times its a King size bed.

Just being honest!

~Tiff

real stories | real life

Honest Mom: Real Stories | Real Life

Welcome to my mommy journal.  The place where I tell all my mom stories so you can get a laugh and I can avoid going crazy! It’s a win-win folks.  Don’t worry…there are also sweet and heart-warming stories in here too 🙂

I hope you will jump in with your stories and experiences as well.  We are all in this crazy parenting thing together and I wouldn’t change a thing!

For those of you just joining in on my life, I have been married to this amazing human being for nearly 5 years….

me and craig

Together we made this insanely cute little person…..

car maddox

And this is my full time job…

me and bubs

Aside from my other full time job of earning a paycheck, being a wife, a friend and a human being.  Can I get an amen?? Not to toot our own horns, but parents deserve some sort of life-time achievement award for just remaining as functional members of society. The parental to-do list is a job description unlike any other!

I won’t bombard you with any more personal info today, but as a parting gift here is the most recent encounter with our now 2 year old.  This pretty much describes most of our conversations these days.  (photo cred @craigstotts )  Can you relate??!

i'm a bust you

waffle